Should I Be Spanking My Kid?
Gentle parenting is all the rage, but does it work?
Hi! Scott, here. At first blush, this seems like a no-brainer. Of course we shouldn’t spank our kids. We were spanked, and we hated it. Why would we pass on that barbaric behavior?
But then our kid does something wrong. They defy us. They act willful and disobedient and refuse to listen. And the doubt creeps in. Maybe I’m too nice. Maybe I’m too lenient. Maybe my kids don’t respect me. Maybe I’m letting them down. Shouldn’t kids fear their parents, just a bit? As a dad, I have the added layer of Am I less of a man if my kids run wild around me? Men are respected. Men are feared. What does it say about my masculinity if my kid doesn’t seem to fear me? There’s a reason why when I uploaded this podcast episode to YouTube, the audience for it was overwhelmingly male. Guys are worried about this.
So what’s the answer? To my mind, the need to spank comes from two, very different desires.
Desire one: Teach your child discipline and respect, while guiding their behavior in a positive direction.
Desire two: Let out our parental anger at being defied and show that kid who’s boss.
Let’s address the second one first. It’s bullshit. It’s a shitty reason to want to hit your kid. You don’t punish in anger, especially not physically. Kids respect parents who listen, who care, who are consistent, and honest. They don’t respect parents who lose their shit and smack the hell out of their kids’ asses because their delicate parental feelings were hurt. Don’t mistake fear for respect. They are not the same thing. At the same time, I am in no way criticizing the desire to do it. We all lose our shit and want to force our kids to listen. It doesn’t make you a bad person to want to spank your kids because you’re mad. But that is not a good reason to actually do it.
But what about the first desire? To actually help our kids? I was spanked, though never in anger. My dad had a paddle in the shape of a hand with the words “Have a nice day” on it and he treated spanking me like a game show. He never showed anger and he actually barely hit me. He’d just let me sit with the knowledge a spanking was coming all day long and then he’d bend me over the bed and hit either side of me while saying things like “this is gonna hurt you more than it’s gonna hurt me!” in an overly-bright announcer voice, like this was the worst episode of Price is Right ever. Is that the right way to spank your kids?
Let’s go to the stats. There are at least 27 countries and territories where spanking is illegal. Check out the map below, as compiled by Endcorporalpunishment.org.
On the other hand, a paper published to the National Library of Medicine (link here) noted that 80% of kids worldwide are spanked. 80%!!!! So despite the bannings, whoopings continue to be a worldwide phenomenon. But do they work? The paper looked at four different studies of spanking to see if there were any positive outcomes. Three of the four studies reported increased negative outcomes, with lower levels of moral internalization, weakened parent-child relations, and deteriorating mental health. The fourth study showed a wash. So no positive outcomes for spanking. Just a risk for bad ones.
So to answer my own question, there is no right way to spank your kids, at least according to these studies. Even my dad’s game show version was damaging, as it did what all torture does, it took away my power. You don’t have to take away a child’s power to teach them morality and discipline. You don’t need to make them feel unsafe. As Lili said during our episode (I’m paraphrasing), trust is the most important thing we as single parents can have with our kids. Lose that trust, and you lose everything.
All of this sounds great in theory. But what do we do with the anger? What do we do with the frustration that comes with a defiant child? We shouldn’t spank, but we still feel those emotions, we still seethe. I’m gonna be honest with you, I don’t have a great answer for this. I try not to explode in front of my kid, but I do it. My energy can feel physical, even if I don’t touch him. And that is what I continue to work on. How to release my anger in a safe way so I can punish my child in a humane, effective manner that doesn’t let him off the hook, but doesn’t leave him scarred for life. The most important step in that journey, I believe, is admitting that it isn’t about my son and his growth, but my own.
Please check out the episode here! It’s always such an interesting conversation. And let us know what you think about punishment! How do you handle it?
Single Parent Movie of the Week
I recently watched Definitely Maybe with Ryan Reynolds. I forgot what a fun movie it was! If you haven’t seen it, you should check it out. It’s a great example of how a good ending doesn’t have to be the fairy-tale one.
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